SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just feeling very alone and I need to snap out of this, but I can't.

Backstory in a nutshell is OH had an affair with a girl at work, it started when our baby was 4 weeks old and I was suffering with PND. My dad went into A&E with a suspected infection and came out with a diagnosis of terminal cancer - he died 6 weeks later. The affair continued throughout this and my partner put me through hell. Telling me I was making him unhappy because I was depressed so I needed to change. I put so much pressure on myself. He stopped in a hotel room the night my dad died with this other girl. He was not there when I needed him at all. The affair came out 2 days before my dad's funeral. I contacted AP and she left him immediately, saying she had no knowledge of our relationship. He was so bitter and cruel to me afterwards. He was saying how amazing AP was, unlike me. AP showed me text messages of him grovelling to her, saying all he ever wanted was her and how beautiful, amazing etc etc she was and he wanted to marry her. Stuff he's never said to me.

Once it was clear their relationship was over he started to grovel back. I had him back as I was desperate not to split our young baby.

It's now been nearly 3 months since everything came out and whilst on the surface things are going well, my mental health is in shreds. I'm having nightmares constantly about the two of them, and I'm just constantly comparing myself to her. She is 2 years younger than me, blonde with a baby face and a lovely slim figure. I've had 4 children and my body is showing it. I've lost nearly 7 stone in weight and I have so much excess skin. I'm having panic attacks whenever I see my stomach and how saggy it is incase it's not good enough for him. I've looked into surgery but cannot be considered for a tummy tuck until I'm 12 months past my c section. I'm on weight loss injections and I'm terrified to stop them incase I pile it back on and I'm put through all of this again.

I'm starting to feel heavy feelings of guilt when I eat and as I'm typing this I'm sat sobbing. My confidence is so low. I'm looking at photos of her which makes me feel so rubbish but I can't snap out of it. I'm obsessively weighing myself everyday and it breaks my heart when I don't lose anything. I've never suffered with self esteem issues before and it's soul destroying. I just can't understand any of this, why it happened and why I deserved all of this. I feel so robbed of my maternity leave.

He never offers any reassurance when I say my stomach bothers me - I got upset yesterday as I hadn't lost any weight this week and he suggested I join a gym. I just broke down.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far - I just needed to let it out. It's not been a good few days.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum there are some posts pinned to the top that I encourage new members to read. There are other posts that are marked with bull's eye icons that aren't pinned but have a lot of great information. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

So sorry for the loss of your father. That just adds to the stress of the situation and it's terrible that you can't lean on your partner for support at this time.

Please see your doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. Also, if you are on antidepressants, you may need a dosage adjustment due to trying to heal from infidelity at this time.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. It can take 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and that doesn't include the time that it would take to heal the M (marriage). At 3 months, you've barely started and are in the early stages. Any new information resets the timer on your healing clock.

I'm having nightmares constantly about the two of them

That's your brain on trauma. I had nightmares (2-3 per night) almost nightly for 3 years. You may develop PTSD or have C-PTSD from this. There is also something called PISD (post-infidelity stress disorder) that doesn't have a true diagnosis code yet, but you may identify with the symptomology.

why I deserved all of this

You don't deserve this. This is all on him and his broken moral compass. He made hundreds if not thousands of conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray. He didn't do the grown up thing to do which would have been discussing this with you, suggesting MC (marriage counseling) or asking for a divorce. Instead, he decided to cheat.

Self-esteem takes a hit when we find out that we've been betrayed. This really had nothing to do with how you looked. Think of all the stars that are attractive and slim that have been cheated on. Adam Levine (lead singer for Maroon 5) had an A (affair) and his wife was a Victoria's Secret underwear model.

You need to think of yourself as a BASGU - bad ass sparkly unicorn goddess. Get an outfit or several that makes you feel absolutely fabulous and wear them. Get some awesome underwear and wear them - no more granny panties. Also, congratulations on your weight loss. Another thing that I did was some I AM affirmations every morning. I found a YouTube video that spoke to me and I did did the 10 minute affirmations every day for a while. I also found a bracelet that said You Are Enough that was a reminder that I wasn't the one lacking.

why it happened

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to work on this as it was his decision to cheat. It sounds like he is a deceptive person and lies to get what he wants. For example, the AP had no knowledge of your relationship. It makes me wonder how many other times has he done this.

He needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. If he wants to R (reconcile), then he should be in IC, get another job, provide passwords to all areas and rebuild trust with you. Additionally, any other boundaries you want to set in place should be followed.

I would also think about staying for the child. There are members whose parents have stayed together after infidelity and have said that it would have been better if their parents had divorced due to all the underlying tensions in the home.

Sorry you're here and please keep posting.

In my opinion, the only weight you need to lose is ≥150 lbs of cheating husband.

He abandoned you (emotionally at least) as you father was dying and you were postpartum with your 4th child. It's also very likely that if OW hadn't dumped his ass after you informed her that he was married, he would've either divorced you or kept the affair going for as long as he could.

But instead of kissing your ass for even considering taking him back, he won't even attempt to make you feel pretty and help boost your self-esteem? Sorry to be so blunt, but FUCK HIM.

You should not be starving yourself, considering invasive cosmetic surgeries, or taking weight-loss injectables long-term (all of which are associated with adverse effects and are potentially life-threatening) because your husband fucked around with another woman.

Remember: you have 4 children who love you and need you; don't take risks with your health that could debilitate you or, God forbid, take you away from them.

After Dday 2, which led to my divorce, my ex "went legit" with his OW, who I felt insecure about because she was taller, very glamorous, and had a very high-paying, high-status job in the entertainment industry. Two years later, once the shine wore off their relationship, he started treating her like crap and now she's raising their daughter alone as a single mother.

So take it from me that your husband's cheating has nothing to do with the fact that the OW is pretty and thin... he cheated-- and continues to hurt and neglect you-- because he's a piece of shit.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:12 PM, Thursday, June 26th]

My heart breaks for you that he did this to you when you needed him most. Please understand this is not about you. This is about him and his failings. Him and his character flaws.He didn't cheat because of your body. He was in fantasy land and you were in real life. You had real life problems to deal with and he abandoned you to escape dealing with them.

You are doing the classic "pick me dance" which many of us have done (I've done it big-time). Ive obsessed over my weight too. But my hubby chose infidelity when I lost weight and when I gained weight. Yet now h e loves me more now than ever while I am old and saggy;) My body wasn't the problem HE was the problem. Until he started fixing himself nothing mattered. You are trying to apply logic to a situation that has no logic, trying to almost excuse his behaviour by blaming it on yourself.

IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Cheaters cheat because THEY are flawed. If they had an issue with the relationship they could have picked many other ways to change it, such as discuss the issues and work on solving them or leave.

You losing weight or shedding excess skin won't make your partner not a cheater. I know its hard to deal with and get.out of your own head, but please understand that if you want to change your body do it for you, not him.

I know you want to stay with him and make it work because of the baby but please give reconcilation careful consideration. Yes he is groveling now that AP left him But does he really want to build a strong and healthy relationship with you? Is he changing? Does he understood what he did was hurtful and wrong? Is he addressing why he did this and how to not behave this way again? Has he considered therapy, is he reading, journalling or doing anything to make you think he is willing to learn and change and that he is committed to you and the relationship and wants it to work?

Whatever you choose this will be a long hard journey to recover from a situation he he created purely from selfishness not from anything to do with you or your body.
Please keep posting for support.

Sending hugs and strength to you

Self-esteem

It is paradoxical that self esteem implies how we view ourselves, but it really is almost always about how much esteem we get from others. How they view us. What they think.

If you get self esteem from your spouse, then you are saying the spouse is like a mirror held up to you, that you see yourself in. She is a trophy wife, for example. I am a winner. I need more trophies, so I will cheat on her and collect esteem from more women, calling the feeling it gives me self-esteem.

You achieve independence from all of that pain when you can actually base your self-esteem on your self. Who you are, what you do, what you stand for. And not until.