Comparing yourself to AP

Just feeling very alone and I need to snap out of this, but I can't.

Backstory in a nutshell is OH had an affair with a girl at work, it started when our baby was 4 weeks old and I was suffering with PND. My dad went into A&E with a suspected infection and came out with a diagnosis of terminal cancer - he died 6 weeks later. The affair continued throughout this and my partner put me through hell. Telling me I was making him unhappy because I was depressed so I needed to change. I put so much pressure on myself. He stopped in a hotel room the night my dad died with this other girl. He was not there when I needed him at all. The affair came out 2 days before my dad's funeral. I contacted AP and she left him immediately, saying she had no knowledge of our relationship. He was so bitter and cruel to me afterwards. He was saying how amazing AP was, unlike me. AP showed me text messages of him grovelling to her, saying all he ever wanted was her and how beautiful, amazing etc etc she was and he wanted to marry her. Stuff he's never said to me.

Once it was clear their relationship was over he started to grovel back. I had him back as I was desperate not to split our young baby.

It's now been nearly 3 months since everything came out and whilst on the surface things are going well, my mental health is in shreds. I'm having nightmares constantly about the two of them, and I'm just constantly comparing myself to her. She is 2 years younger than me, blonde with a baby face and a lovely slim figure. I've had 4 children and my body is showing it. I've lost nearly 7 stone in weight and I have so much excess skin. I'm having panic attacks whenever I see my stomach and how saggy it is incase it's not good enough for him. I've looked into surgery but cannot be considered for a tummy tuck until I'm 12 months past my c section. I'm on weight loss injections and I'm terrified to stop them incase I pile it back on and I'm put through all of this again.

I'm starting to feel heavy feelings of guilt when I eat and as I'm typing this I'm sat sobbing. My confidence is so low. I'm looking at photos of her which makes me feel so rubbish but I can't snap out of it. I'm obsessively weighing myself everyday and it breaks my heart when I don't lose anything. I've never suffered with self esteem issues before and it's soul destroying. I just can't understand any of this, why it happened and why I deserved all of this. I feel so robbed of my maternity leave.

He never offers any reassurance when I say my stomach bothers me - I got upset yesterday as I hadn't lost any weight this week and he suggested I join a gym. I just broke down.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far - I just needed to let it out. It's not been a good few days.

4 comments posted: Thursday, June 26th, 2025

Rebuilding Trust

Hope somebody can help as I'm driving myself potty at the moment.

OH started an affair with a work colleague when our son was 4 weeks old. My dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 6 weeks later - my OH went and slept with AP in a hotel the night of his death (he was on a "planned night out") whilst I booked myself into a hotel with my 2 children as I couldn't face being at home after watching my dad die. D Day was 2 days before my dad's funeral and he left me for her - then came back when she found out he was still with me. I tried my best to salvage the relationship for the sake of our now 4 month old. I was in remission for uterine cancer and that's now come back, doctors think as a result of stress. I've also developed PTSD.

He's going out on a lad's holiday next weekend. I've asked him not to go as I know it's going to shred me but he says he's not going to stop his life. He's gone out on a curry night with the lads that are going tonight. Table was booked for 18:30, it's past 21:30 and he's still not home. I don't want to be breathing down his neck asking when he's going to be back but I'm driving myself mad. Whenever he goes out he always sends me a photograph of his food to show me what he's had, yet tonight there's no photo as "it wasn't worth taking a photo of"

I'm tearing myself up wondering if this is worth all of this stress. How do you cope when normal life resumes and try to respect their personal space, yet stop yourself going insane in the process

6 comments posted: Sunday, June 1st, 2025

Lads Holiday

I've recently joined due to finding out about my partner's affair. Original post is here explaining what happened, it was unforgivable what he did but I'm trying to move forward with it.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/665717/is-there-a-way-forward/

He's going on a lads holiday in 2 weeks time and I'm a nervous wreck about it. It's coming up to 6 weeks post D-Day, and I'm struggling more than ever but don't want to put a dampener on things as he's adamant he's going. It's a 4 day trip, drinking and partying.

Any tips on how to keep myself sane whilst he's away? He needs to go as it's the only way trust is going to be rebuilt and I don't want my mood to stop him doing anything, making him feel trapped. However it's eating away at me that something will happen. He's going with his best friend who is a serial cheater on his girlfriend.

14 comments posted: Friday, May 23rd, 2025

Is there a way forward?

Hi there,

I'm at an ultimate loss on what to do. My partner started an affair with a work colleague mid February, when our LO was just 4 weeks old. End of January we took my dad into A&E as he was very confused, and we suspected an infection. He came out of there with a diagnosis of Grade 4 terminal cancer, with weeks to live. I was also suffering with awful PND, so needed my partner the most. He was going out with her and leaving me with our baby who had bad colic so was screaming constantly whilst I was trying to keep my head above water.

My dad died mid March, 6 weeks after his diagnosis. I came back at 8am in the morning after sorting the undertakers out to come and collect him from my mom's after we all watched him die. My partner was due to go on a night out, which considering what had happened I thought he'd cancel. But no, he left at 2pm of the afternoon and then did not return until 3pm the following afternoon. I was in pieces, so drove to Wales with my baby and son and just broke down in a hotel room. He did not text or call to see if I was ok. I later found out he stopped in a hotel room with her that night. My mom also gave him a load of my dad's designer tops, his favourite ones. He's slept with her in them. I have shoved them to the back of the drawer unable to look at them.

I found out via her Facebook that the affair was happening beginning of April, 2 days before my dad's funeral. He looked me dead in the eyes when I found out and told me he loved her, and didn't want to be with me anymore. I haven't been the same since. I messaged her and we shared evidence with each other. She's left him, and he's eventually come crawling back to me. I've had him back as at the time he was saying he wanted 50/50 custody of our 2 month old which was destroying me. He kept saying she wasn't a mistake at the beginning which rubbed salt in the wound, however he's now admitted she was.

It's now been 5 weeks since I found out. I'm having nightmares about it every night and I can't think about my poor dad as the affair comes into my head every time. He has shown next to no remorse, I've literally only had "sorry" which I've had to beg for. She got a massive paragraph begging for a second chance, heavily apologising saying he wanted to marry her and have kids. I'm an anxious wreck all of the time, and cry constantly about what he's done. I'm scared to show any sort of emotion about it infront of him incase it scares him off. I have so many triggers that set me off, it's impossible to avoid.

She's young, got a baby face, blonde, skinny, got no children. I've had 4 children, I've lost a lot of weight but my body is as saggy as anything. I was in remission for uterine cancer that I had before my son, and doctors now suspect it's come back through stress. I can never compete with her and it's just getting me so down. I'm scared that this is a massive thing that he's done and there will be nothing stopping him from cheating again due to the circumstances before.

Is there a way forward with this? How do you cope with triggers? My poor dad is a big one and it's so hard :( I'm so desperate for this to work so I don't have to be away from my baby. However I'm hiding so much and it's eating me alive. Thank you for reading if you've got this far.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 21st, 2025