hello everyone! I’m new here, unfortunately found myself trying to find any resources that could help me and ended up here. I’ve read a lot of forums but I wanted to share my own, any advice or insight would be so helpful for me.
I’m not too sure about the abbreviations so I won’t be using any.
So my boyfriend (27) & I (26) have been dating for 2 and a half years. On March of this year, he confessed to me that he cheated on me with a coworker.
Don’t wanna make this too long, but when he confessed to me at first, he wasn’t 100% truthful. He held back the fact that they had sex. He tells me now it’s because he was so ashamed, but still, he lied. Everything else that he told me was true, based off of what the fiance of the girl has told me as well because he messaged me on social media to tell me. I took some time apart from him to really think about things, and after a lot of conversations, a lot of apologizing, ALOT of remorse & accountability, I decided to give the relationship another try.
It’s been hard, ofcourse, but he is doing all the necessary work to gain my trust back and rebuild the relationship. He went to therapy, I’m currently in therapy, & he never makes me feel bad for still asking questions, still wanting to know how and why, and for overthinking all the time. He doesn’t blame me, he takes 100% accountability but most importantly for me is he’s not making any excuses. He knows he should’ve been honest about how he was feeling in the relationship. To be more vulnerable with me. He says he never wants to hurt me again, and feels like he disappointed not only me but himself.
he’s been through a lot in his life. His dad passed away when he was 16 years old, he’s found his dad dead in his bathroom after coming back from an out of town trip with his mom, and tried to give him CPR and bring him back to life but it had been days. To this day, he can’t talk about his dad without crying, and he blames himself for his dad’s death.
His personality is very sweet and kind, but when he’s upset he tends to be very hot headed & it takes him a lot to control his anger and emotions. He doesn’t take it out on me, though sometimes he can be a little cold towards me depending on what is stressing him out. At the end of last year, our relationship was getting very rocky. We fought almost every day, and it was mainly because I always had something to say about his attitude and emotions. If he were to ever vent to me about his work, or his roommates, I’m not gonna lie I would always side with the other party & defend them because I thought my boyfriend was over reacting and being unnecessarily negative. I am someone who is kind, way too kind sometimes, so hearing someone be negative or angry is not something I’m used to or understand. He would express to me that he feels like I see him as a monster, and that I never see things from his perspective & seem to always choose other people’s feelings over his. Looking back, truthfully he was right. I always made him feel unseen.
That’s where the coworker comes in. Based off of what he said, she would always go visit him at his department at work and make conversation. I knew about this girl too, he would talk about her, and a lot of other people, so she wasn’t a stranger to me. We even went to the same gym she did, one time she waved at me while I was with my boyfriend! She is currently engaged to her fiancé. It not new news that she was unhappy in her relationship. She expressed that to her friends AND my boyfriend. It seems she only agreed to marry the man out of kindness and not because she really wanted to.
She took great interest into my boyfriend because he’s kind and honestly really good looking. My boyfriend is a very social man, he could make friends with anyone truly. I never cared that he has female friends because I have male friends. So like I said, she wasn’t a surprise to me because he would talk about her.
This girl would always validate his feelings. She would make him feel seen and understood. He felt as if for once he could feel comfortable venting without being made to be the bad person. That’s how I think he caught feelings for her. She would always compliment him, and want his attention. Eventually, she invited him over to her house when her finance was out of town, and my boyfriend agreed. That’s when they had sex.
My boyfriend emphasized that he would never speak ill of me, and he would express that he loved me to her, but he would tell her that he questioned our relationship and wondered if I was the one he was supposed to be with. Not because he didn’t love me, but because it seemed like I was never happy with him and saw him as a bad person. He did try really hard to make the relationship work. I always thought we would end up breaking up, but I love him so I kept pushing through. She was almost this his therapist. She has a degree in psychology so I’m sure she knew all the right things to say. He was just weak & dumb.
By no means am I blaming myself. I don’t, AT ALL. This is 100% a CHOICE that he made and I acknowledge that. BUT, I guess I will say I can see why he would be emotionally attracted to her, and how it ended up getting to that point.
He confessed to me because he said he couldn’t do it anymore, the guilt was eating him alive. He told her that he didn’t wanna talk to her anymore and he couldn’t believe he was hurting someone that he loves. He told her that he was going to tell me and he didn’t want to talk or see her ever again, and that’s the last conversation they had. The next day he told me.
The advice of I put in seeking for is, is it truly worth to try to work this out? I know and can see he feels absolutely horrible. Everytime he talks bout it he cries, and when I sleep with him, when he thinks I’m asleep I can hear him quietly crying. He cries almost everyday, and I think that’s pretty hard to fake. So I do believe everything he tells me.
Is it worth it? Can a good relationship come out of this?
I think so. I just can’t get over the fact that they slept together, everytime I think about it it’s like a stab to my heart. But I do truly love him, and I want to be a better partner for him. I want to be able to hear his emotions and not judge them.
I want to be able to try this again, but I need some advice first. And I just hope he’s not lying to me.
Thank you all for reading, I know it was long!!! 
