SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im a WW and I betrayed my wife. We've been together almost 10 years and married for 6.

It started not long after we got married, when covid hit and we moved in with her parents for awhile while we saved for our house. She started spending all her time with her family and I felt alone. Which is my why, I think? I realize now its a stupid reason but there isnt any good reasons. Ive always been a loner with a few good friends of mine passing away at a young age, loneliness is something ive always struggled with.

I tried to speak to her about it but she didn't seem to understand so instead of trying to explain what was going on with me, I started looking for validation from others.

I started talking to a ex that's was friends with me and my wife. I did lie and sneak around talking to her and was having an emotional affair but it was never sexual until I talked my wife into having a threesome (something im not proud of). We then tried a thrupple with this person (something else im not proud of), that failed, my wife felt left out. So when that happened I started drinking heavily and bounced back and forth between my wife and my AP for awhile. I always told my AP I'd never leave my wife. Now I realize the moment I started engaging in any sort of affair I left my wife.

At one point my wife begged me to come home and stop, I told her she should leave me because I didn't think she'd ever come to a place where she could move past it. That moment haunts me.

After probably 6 months i eventually went home, and tried to correct things with my wife, she never wanted to talk about it. She told me to go NC with AP. I failed at that. It wasn't never sexual or emotional again, but we did still communicate occasionally (months in between). We had a dog together so when that dog passed she came and let me say goodbye, i paid for the dog to be cremated, and a week later she brought me some ashes. We barely spoke about anything other than the dog. I havent seen her since. I realized I shouldn't be speaking to this person anymore so I got rid of everything i had from this person and deleted their contact info out of my phone recently. Even though we haven't spoken in probably over a year.

I also sexted with some guys online, my wife caught me doing that, I justified it because we wasn't having sex and I knew if I sexted with guys id never get a emotional attachment with them because I'm a gay women. I know it was wrong and I'm not proud of it.

Fast-forward to now, My wife told me on the 1st of April. She hasn't been able to get over it. She needs space and time to find herself again. She said shes love me and us but she isnt in love with me or in love with the us we became And maybe eventually that we can fix whats broken. I stupidly have been fighting to save my marriage. Fighting for something that ended the moment I had an affair.

I also should mention i got black out drunk a week ago and tried to fight my wife's sister. Furthering the wedge in between me and my wife. Needless to say I quit drinking and have been focusing on sobriety.

I have purchased all sorta of self help books, as well as a book I seen recommended here "Rising strong".

I'll admit that in the years after the affair I never tried because I felt like my wife wasn't trying to get over it. I thought eventually we'd come to a point to heal and move past it together. I now realized I just sort of rug swept it and didn't do any real work on myself. I also realize how incredibly stupid that is now.

While R is all I want, im trying to learn that R right now isn't possible and I'm trying my hardest to come to terms with it being out of my control.

My wife has started drinking heavily and while I know that isn't gonna help her heal, I know I'm not allowed to tell her how to fix what I broke.

While waiting for approval to post, I've read alot of the post that are here and am seriously trying to take some of this advice and apply it to my situation.

Im still deeply rooted in shame and guilt. It's hard to even look at myself in the mirror. Im trying to remember that I'm not a bad person i just did something terrible. Im not sure what I'm here looking for. Just people who are going through what I'm goin through i guess. Im ashamed of my actions and I'm angry at myself for destroying my marriage and for hurting my wife, im not sure what the future holds and I'm not sure where to even start but I know I don't wanna be the person I have been.

Thanks for reading. It helps to put it out there. I've aired all my dirty laundry. Judge me if you must. But just know your judgment of me could never be worse than the judging of me I do every single day.

[This message edited by Brokensoul007 at 11:50 PM, Wednesday, April 30th]

Hello,

It sounds like you have been starting to understand that you can’t control the outcome of the relationship, and letting go of that is often the best place to start. Why? Because authentic change is when you say things like you just did, that you don’t want to be this person.

People like you and I sometimes gravitate towards chaos, and love is peaceful not dramatic or chaotic.

One thing that helped my evolution was to start asking why to everything.
Why did I do this? Because I wanted to.
Why did I want to? Because I was unhappy and was seeking a lot of external ways to be happy.
Why do I need to do that? Because I wasn’t taking responsibility for finding ways that are healthy to be happy.

And the digging, holding the questions, didn’t mean I am ever happy 100 percent of the time.

Why did I say this to my husband? Oh, because I wanted to persuade him. Was it authentic? No. I had no plan for follow through I just wanted to control or manipulate.

)Not all manipulation has ill intent but when we are geared towards a specific outcome we do and say things to persuade, and then it forms a pattern of empty promises.)

So what am I saying? Be still. Be mindful. Hold the why questions until the answers lead you to the next one. As you get answers for your motivations, patterns, you can start to visualize ways of finding alternative thoughts and behaviors.

A lot of our coping with life starts in childhood. And then it forms patterns within us that do not serve us well.

Cheating is the manifestation of someone who needs better coping skills, needs to feel whole in themselves, and often just a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. So my best advice is to begin with who you are to you.

If you speak to ways you wouldn’t to your best friend, stop and reframe the thoughts. Change is slow and it’s about being very mindful and intentional over each area. Turning one thing around and then another and another, will keep allowing you to peel the onion and it will eventually change you at the core.

Be patient with yourself. Try to move towards self compassion. We can not hate ourselves enough to make a change. All positive change comes from a place of love.

Examples- sometimes I will do things I don’t want to because I know I need to take care of me. Eating better and exercising seems kind of unrelated but that was and is something to take care of me. Not consuming alcohol is another because it doesn’t bring out the best in me. doing grounding activities such as walking barefoot in the grass, or working in the garden dirt with no gloves. Getting 15 minutes of sunshine. Being intentional with these things seems so silly, but with some consistency, they do improve our mental well being and that will allow you to build more. When we feel good, we do good, and when we do good we feel good. So my suggestion is start with things like that. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, and especially your own.

Do a gratitude practice. This is shown to rewire your brain in as little as 21 days. Pay attention to beauty, get out in nature and hike.

You will build out from there and notice you choose differently, you act differently. You start looking at your conduct, what you want your life to be. Your internal magnet will start changing (as far as what you attract back to yourself.

This is the basis of any recovery. Then when you are stronger, you can make thoughtful amends. You can look at your values and what you want to be able to say about yourself. I pride myself now on integrity, and this really reduces the chaos and brings on the peace.

The way we got to the point we have is because of not fostering that relationship with ourselves. Instead being consumed by what external validation and sources of happiness can do for us. No one is ever going to be perfect at this, but with mindfulness and intention, it will be a tide that moves towards being more like a tidal wave.

A book that changed my life - "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. His teachings are basically my new map of coping. I also enjoy many writings of Pema Chadron. Start with "when life is hard".

You can do this, and you are ready to do this. I see no reason to judge as I have been in your shoes. I know you are not an evil person, just a person who needs to let a little more light in. A little more lifting the veil to see the beauty of your soul. You are divinely loved and infinitely worthy, it just takes a while to see it because you first have to start acting like it in order for it to appear.

Thank you for responding and thank you for your kind words.

I do realize I can't control the outcome of my marriage and that is such a bitter pill to swallow but none the less im trying to choke it down.

While I do wanna be a better person in case my wife comes back, I've also realized that I need to be better for me. Everyone else can leave me but I can't leave myself so in order for me to be able to live with myself, I have to become better. Healing is for me and if she comes back then its for her too.

I listened to some Pema Chadron writings on YouTube last night and those hit home. I also plan to order the other book you recommended soon.

Im trying to exercise grace and self compassion with myself. Speaking to myself like I would my best friend is great advice and definitely something I need to start implementing.

I plan to start going to the gym tomorrow morning and I've always loved working in the yard so I been thinking of starting some new projects just to try and keep my mind occupied.

I definitely have terrible coping skills, I usually end up at the bar when life hits hard but that is so self destructive. Alcohol does bring out the worst in me and I don't wanna be the worst version of myself anymore.

I've also been Journaling, but its always seem to end in a letter to myself about why I'm mad at myself. The why questioning is definitely something I'll write down to try and get out of the "hate mail"

Im open to all ideas and all advice. I feel like I'm swimming against the strongest current and I don't wanna drown in it.

No judgement from me. Just hope that you are able to find a path out. It sounds like it would be helpful to you to stop drinking. Do you have access to support for that? Take care and be good to yourself, not in the ways that feel good in the moment and destroy you, but in the ways that restore you, and try to build up a bunch of those.

Hi Pippin, I havent drank in a week. It's been hard and leaves me searching for other ways to cope. I know in the long run it is whats best for me but the thought of a cold one is never far from my mind.

I also think it would be nice to be numb to all of this for awhile but I know when I sober up all my problems are still gonna be problems. Im usually a headstrong person when my mind is made up about something so im trying to use the strength I do have to my advantage by not allowing myself to drink.

This might sound dumb but I also take an alternate route when I know I'm goin to pass by my usual bar. Going for the out of sight out of mind method. Though id say its not really working..I also asked my drinking buddy to stop inviting me out and not to show up drunk to my house. Which sucks because he is my closest friend so I'm sort of alienating myself.

Thanks for commenting.

[This message edited by Brokensoul007 at 1:27 AM, Thursday, May 1st]

Yard work is great! It combines sunshine, exercise, and doing things that give you a sense of accomplishment. I hardly garden and there is something very special about cultivating beauty, anticipating and watching the growth and changes to what I have planted. Problem solving and. Nursing something back to health. I highly suspect that will be a great outlet for you.

I agree with pippin maybe get some additional support for the drinking if needed. Working a program can infuse better coping. I always recommend IC if you can afford it too.

Change occurs when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying where you are. Rick bottom gave me a foundation for building a life I didn’t need to escape from. Things still get difficult of course, but I can ride that out in a way that I am growing to be proud of.

I will keep an eye out for further posts from you. You are right where you need to be and it can and will get better from here. Expect set backs, give yourself grace, and eventually you will find yourself in a spot you never imagined. It’s ten you will probably be able to truly start giving all your former selves some grace.

Oh one thing that helped me early in was to picture the little girl inside me. I decided to live that little girl and look after her. To set an example for her. Sounds kind of weird but at first it was easier to see a child who deserved more from life and choosing things for her than for the woman I was so disgusted with. Still to this day I try and do things she would have liked- coloring, being creative, and even the gardening I talked about early in this post (I loved to play outside and especially with mud when I was young). I gave her the things that my parents just weren’t equipped with though their intentions were primarily good.

Just keep taking the next right step.