SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hang in there Friend. Use the PTO they give you. Praying for you.

Can you confide in your boss? They might extend you the grace you need to get through this.

Well all the stress about made me crack i tried to quit my job today. I work construction and run a crew at first I think he thought I was joking. Ended up leaving and they called told me take the day they are paying me and my son has a small surgery Monday so they are giving me pto time. I didn’t even know I got that stuff but I just feel all the stress is getting to me I have to listen to grown men complain and make excuses to do nothing all day and end up doing the work myself then come home to an unapproachable wife I just couldn’t take it

Take your PTO and use as much of it as you can. I like Truman's suggestion to confide in the boss if you have that type of relationship with him. Hopefully you can get a little bit of grace and time to try and work through this. I ran a butcher shop with a large crew for 30 years. I was responsible for a lot, including the damned schedule and a few lazy employees in a unionized shop. I understand that type of stress. It can feel overwhelming and you already have a lot on your plate.

Hang in there man. Keep in touch. Vent away if you need to. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:11 AM, Friday, January 23rd]

As someone who has been in construction for 29 years I understand. When D-Day happened for me I was neck deep in remodeling projects at Kohl's stores. I remember being on the job site, looking at my tools, and thinking just pick up your tools and walk away. You are under no contract to perform so you can just walk away and I almost did. But then I called a friend of mine who was in the same trade and said I need help and he instantly knew something was wrong

He said what's going on, I told him everything, he said I will be there as soon as I get off my job and he did and then he came back the next day and just took charge and got me through that project

The thought of just abandoning a customer was untenable to me but that's where I was in those early days, willing to walk away and abandon a customer

I suggest talking with your boss and letting him know where you're at because him not knowing he can only assume your just not up for doing the job but if you tell him what's going on he may be sympathetic

Every man has his limits and admitting to someone you need help is not a fault or a negative. What you are dealing with would wreck pretty much every man

So I have talked to my boss he is aware of what’s going on. But he is a lot of my problems there as well constantly micromanaging everyone around so I’m planning stuff people are just gone because he sent them elsewhere saying nothing to me or I mobilize to do something then he changes it we have to go all the way back out plan the next task start over get in to start and he changes back to something else. I just am stressed to the max and at this point feel like I’m just invisible nothing I’m saying is herd at work or home it’s just a lot

WH,

It is very good that you have made your boss aware of the situation at home. I am sorry that your boss's approach to management is another major source of stress for you. Your feelings of not being heard are perfectly understandable, and I think many or all of us would probably feel the same. However, I hope that you feel you are being heard in this forum. I know we are anonymous posters, much as we might wish to be 'there' for you in real life, but people here do care, and are listening to very word you write.

I don't know if you have anyone in real life that you would be comfortable reaching out to, but please consider doing that if there are any likely candidates. It might also be worth considering making an appointment with a counselor, so that you can let your thoughts and stress out with someone who will hopefully have some ideas about how to manage your stress. Stress is awful, and I am sure we have all felt overwhelmed by it at times. The key thing is, you are not alone; we are listening.

Sending strength and empathy to you.

Friend
What you are dealing with isn’t going anywhere... It’s going to be there when you go to sleep, when you wake up, while doing the dishes, taking a shower... this problem will be there.
Even if you had a repentant wife who did everything she could to help... it would take time.
Even if you were determined to divorce...

This is why it’s so important to try to pace yourself. To view your recovery – R or D – like a marathon. You can’t emotionally sprint the whole distance. You need to pace yourself.

When I went through this I managed to view work as "time off". I would sit in my car and focus on storing my thoughts about my relationship in a mental container where they were supposed to stay for the next 8 hours. Then I would focus on work. If I was diverted – I would consciously say to myself "this is not the time nor place for this thought" and press it back into the container. Eventually work became a refuge.

I also think that it won’t serve much good to expect your wife to be willing to answer any question at any time. It’s OK for you both to feel safe during breakfast, when you both know that in 20 minutes you are out the door and wont get any resolve in whatever is put on the marital table. Not suggesting you two don’t talk things out, but rather that you do so in the right time and circumstances. Like... rather than ask her just before you leave, or the minute you come home, then tell her that you want to talk things through, and if she can arrange to be available for an hour at eight this evening.

I really suggest you take the time-out to do self-recovery some of us have suggested.

Finally: Can you make this one change to your daily routine? Immediately when you come home, or very soon after coming home, go take a 30 minute walk. Just alone, no phone, music... just a walk. Something to depressurize after work, and to be on a more level platform when you enter the house.

A customer of mine who is incredibly well off, made every dollar he has through hard work, has a slogan: If nothing changes, nothing can change.

Your relationship with your boss is not working for you so how about sitting down with him and laying things out. Tell him you want to try some changes that in your opinion will increase your efficiency thus helping the company be more productive

Point out how you slot people for work but when he comes in and changes that without even letting you know that has a negative impact on productivity. If he is hell bent on micromanaging everything thus causing you to be inefficient and refuses to listen to you then start making plans for different employment

Well I don’t really have any updates I went back to work nothing was said really about my return other than a lot happy I didn’t quit. I have to say it does help to come back to hear that after I left the boss was in a panic thinking he was going to get fired for doing what I told him we had been told not to do in the first place. He apologized and I basically said I’m not looking for apologies or recognition I simply can’t argue about everything you have things you want done tell me and step back let me do it. Now home life has been a bit better also but I don’t know if she is just trying tip toe after what happened at work. We have been able to talk and not argue we are finally hearing each other not just talking over the other. I haven’t pushed hard we have another therapy session tomorrow so we will see how that goes. I haven’t pushed hard stepped back and focused on myself so her and I have not talked a lot also possibly why it hasn’t been terrible either the session tomorrow will show me if she is willing to try or not.

Glad to hear work was understanding and you got to have a heart to heart with the boss. It sounds like that was actually a productive conversation and things might improve for you there.

Any updates on the situation at home?

No not really I’m still unsure of anything I’ve kinda stepped back things have been ok but not great we have talked and worked through it but not about what she did when I did it went about the same so I’m still not expecting much.

Well we had our last couples counseling and things are back to how they have been so I moved out. It is hard at 41 to have to live at my parents house I can’t go get a place or then she could get that as well. I had to leave as she refused to every time it is so frustrating that I did nothing but give her everything she asked for and yes I started drinking to much but really that wasn’t until she started her affair and I just didn’t know what was going on. I have stayed the course going on 4 months since I had a drink and that hasn’t changed a thing. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I’m sorry it had to come to this. I was hopeful your cheating spouse would have made some better choices but she just chose not to do anything that could have helped you reconcile.

I know this is hard and it hurts but you have to stop blaming yourself for her poor choices.

It’s hard to start over. But you are young enough that you can re-group and get to a better place w/out all of the drama and emotional trauma you have been living with. You deserve better than that.

It’s hard right now to be positive. But I am certain a year from now you will recognize things have improved because you are no longer trying to get the truth from someone and living with that pain.

It’s hard to accept a person you love can do this to you. Especially a spouse. But she’s no longer the person you married. And the person you D is often very unlike the person you married.

Let some peace settle over you.

She’s refused to tell you the truth. She won’t discuss her affair. She schemed her way out of the polygraph. She refused to find another job, so I wouldn’t bet a three dollar bill on no contact.

Believe her actions. Implement the 180, no talking about anything but the kids and separation logistics, and only through text or email. Call your lawyer tomorrow and tell him to get the divorce on track.

Maybe she’ll pull her head out of her ass at some point down the road. Maybe you’ll still care enough to consider reconciliation, or maybe not.

Be careful here. Talk w/ your attorney. Moving out could be argued as abandoning your kids. My brother packed his clothes, some of his 1 y/o's clothes, and went to our parent's house. A cousin who worked for an attorney discussed this w/ the attorney and he said, "Tell him to go back home right now! If they end up divorcing her attorney will argue abandonment" so my brother moved everything back in.

At this point you have to look at this like a business deal, emotions have no place in figuring out who gets the plates and who gets the silverware. You have no idea what thoughts are going thru her head. She might very well have a plan in place and is executing it. Protect yourself.

I emailed my attorney hoping to hear back early today if I have to move back I’ll leave work early and do that. I’m still paying bills taking my kids to practice my mom still is getting them on the bus so we will see what happens.

Friend – the present status is NEVER about your drinking.
If you two were both working towards a good marriage then yes, her issue with your drinking would be a marital issue. But if you were both working towards a good marriage then you would feel safe in knowing what happened (something she refuses to give you), you would feel safe about if there is any ongoing contact with OM (something she can’t give you because there is no trust) and even the question of if she should seek employment elsewhere (something that can’t be decided without the truth).

To use a comparison: It’s like if your car had several issues like a faulty radio, misalignment in the steering, an oil-leak and a flat tire. All issues that you would have to deal with and fix. But none of them really relevant until you fix the ignition that prevents the engine from starting. You could be sitting in your driveway listening to your favorite station, with no leak, no run in the steering and air in all tires.... but without fixing the KEY issue then that’s all you will get.
Your wife refuses to address the key issue.

My suggestion now would be to expose why you feel your marriage is doomed.
Tell stakeholders that the reason you have moved out is your wife’s insistence of defending her infidelity – her affair. How she has prioritized NAME OF OM HERE over you, how she expects you to move on without knowing what you are moving on from. The issue isn’t that she cheated, but that she doesn’t trust you with the truth. This forces your hand to believe the absolute worst, because SHE has chosen to force your hand rather than tell you the truth.

Make it clear that IF what she has shared is the absolute truth you have given her a path to prove it (the poly) but she failed simply by not being capable of taking a poly. If she told you the truth – even if it was much more than she has already admitted – she would be able to take a poly, and you think you could work at the marriage no matter what the actual truth might be.

Goal by exposing is not to shame, but maybe if enough of those that care get the message across to her that her expectations to you are not realistic and that if she insists on her path this will inevitably end in divorce then she might see the light.