SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apologies if this is on the wrong board. I have been posting on reconciling

However its looking more and more likely that its failed or failing. Short version- he had an EA and sexting last year. There's been ups and downs since.

But all of a sudden, recently WH has said to me his feelings have "changed" because of what hes done and how im not moving on from it, his behaviour has become detached. Hes also going to some work socials despite me not liking it and causing me a lot of anxiety because the OW will be there also, so in close proximity.

The way he is behaving Its like he is pulling away, and the ow is to blame and still in his head. Hes ok one minute then the next not, but im the same really.

Ive asked him if hes still talking to her via WhatsApp or messaging (ow is 15 years younger than him, no kids, work colleague, dont see each other much f2f at work) and he denies, which i know is common.

We have talked and we have both said we arent happy, my reason is trust, his reason is just he isnt and because of 'what's gone on" 😞😞😞

Some days we are getting on other days his mood is off like something is really bothering him (guilt????!!!)

Im just absolutely heartbroken and im scared im losing him to her despite all the denial. My gut is telling me shes still all over him. That would be the worst thing for me. Id rather him just leave and be on his own and we seperate then leave because of her. 💔

I have been doing the pick me dance it seems since last year, not anymore!!!!

Something isnt right 😞

[This message edited by Kittycatkitty at 6:07 PM, Tuesday, March 31st]

See a lawyer.

Best wishes.

Let go of losing him. You’ve already lost him, maybe permanently…maybe temporarily. Maybe he doesn’t have it in him to absorb the consequences of this. But, if he’s all, all in….I feel like he’d be much more empathetic to the pain he’s caused you. Look, no WS likes how long this takes to recover from. No WS likes to see the pain their actions cause. Certain, no human likes to see the train wreck their choices have caused on people they love…or say they love. No one likes to be a monster.

IF he’s receptive to the idea that this takes time….it isn’t something that you just say is going to be OK because you’re done and then wave a magic wand and the trauma of it disappears…..can you communicate that to him. Can you get him into MC/IC?

If not….cut your losses.

It saddens me to see you hurting so badly .

For ME...being in limbo SUCKS. Just making plans to get OUT of infidelity helped me feel a little better because I had some sort of control. Being a SAHW...it was important for me to have money to get to quickly in case I needed to leave the situation. I got a bank account in my name only which I added enough money to live off of until I was able to find a job and start earning money on my own. I also got a credit card in my name only. Then I bought a vehicle in my name only as well. Once I knew I could leave whenever I wanted...I was then able to focus on seeing if my H was worthy of staying with me.

There is a saying on here...you have to be willing to LOSE your M in order to SAVE it. Your WH may feel like a cake eater. He feels you WON'T leave...so he may keep going back in his head to the dopamine hits he got from his EA. That is a HORRIBLE way for YOU to have to live (((HUGS))). Once you can get an exit plan...you may feel strong enough to let your WH know that he is FREE to keep getting those hits...only they won't be with YOU around.

I did that stupid pick-me-dance like a PRO in my 1st M...and it worked...he came back to me. Only...two years later I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator . The pick-me-dance never works. NEVER.

I can't speak for anyone else...but for ME...these two things were what actually saved MY M . My "lizard brain" kicked in when my 2nd H confessed to his A. Once I heard his words...it was like I was watching a movie...and that heroine was a BADASS . I moved away from my H and immediately told him the M was OVER. I then told him he needed to call the adultery co-conspirator and they could start making plans for THEIR life together because OUR was DONE. I got up to leave the room so that he could call her. There was NO pick-me-dance for him!!

Within an hour we were talking about R. My H told me later that IF I ever found out about his A (he planned on taking this secret to his grave...he just didn't take into account the GUILT he felt)...he felt I would be devastated. He said he never thought I would leave him though. He was WRONG. I was NOT going to live one minute more with a cheater!!! He said that he prayed that if I would come back into the room and say there was a possibility of R...he would do WHATEVER it took just so that I would stay with him. He has been an AMAZING H ever since that day...and we are very HAPPILY in R .

I can't say that what happened to ME will happen with others. But I have been on here long enough to see that those who are not BOTH ALL IN on R...then R very rarely will work. People on here have stayed married without BOTH of them being ALL IN...but they are not in R and they are miserable . If you feel your WH is not ALL IN...or you feel that you can't be ALL IN...it is best to start getting your exit plan in order. You don't have to follow through with it...you just need to get your plan together .

It appears as though he’s checked out of your relationship unfortunately.

He’s not brave enough to say the words "it’s over" but his actions certainly dictate he’s moved on

I am so sorry for you.

This is what i think too 1stwife 😞😓

Thanks for all replies xx

Want2BHappyAgain wrote:

I moved away from my H and immediately told him the M was OVER. I then told him he needed to call the adultery co-conspirator and they could start making plans for THEIR life together because OUR was DONE. I got up to leave the room so that he could call her. There was NO pick-me-dance for him!!

Within an hour we were talking about R. My H told me later that IF I ever found out about his A (he planned on taking this secret to his grave...he just didn't take into account the GUILT he felt)...he felt I would be devastated. He said he never thought I would leave him though. He was WRONG. I was NOT going to live one minute more with a cheater!!! He said that he prayed that if I would come back into the room and say there was a possibility of R...he would do WHATEVER it took just so that I would stay with him. He has been an AMAZING H ever since that day...and we are very HAPPILY in R grin .

This is what it took for me as well. After a month of doing to the pick me dance I hit this same wall. It wasn't doing me any good. She wasn't responding to my efforts in the way I'd hoped she would. She wouldn't block her AP, kept talking to him because they were "just friends" now and who am I to tell her who she can be friends with?

Well, I'm no one who can tell her who she can be friends with. I am, however, someone who doesn't have to remain married to a cheater. I did almost exactly what W2BHA did, and my wife's attitude and willingness to do anything to salvage our marriage completely changed. She did a complete 180. She sent a NC message, blocked him on everything, put in for a location transfer at work (he was a co worker), rolled her sleeves up and really started putting in the work. She's been a model for reconciliation ever since. I drew a line in the sand and took may agency back. I took my power back. And most of all, I meant it and she knew it.

In my opinion there are worse things than divorce, and living in infidelity is one of them. I was getting out of it, one way or the other. If that meant ending the relationship then so be it. She didn't want to end it. Everything changed the moment I called lawyers and set up consultations right in front of her.

ETA: I'm a year out from d day. In fact, today marks the one year antiversary of my wife's first tryst with her AP at a hotel and it's hitting me pretty hard right now. A year out and I'm stillmstruggling with the fact that it even happened. This is not something a person just moves on from and gets over in a few weeks, or a few months. More like a few years. Your husband needs to get that, understand that, and take accountability for putting you in this pain. If he can't or won't, then you have nothing to work with and I think filing for divorce would be a good next step.

When I called those lawyers I was devastated at the thought of ending our 27 year marriage, but there was also a sense of relief and accomplishment because I knew I was getting out of infidelity one way or another. "To save your marriage you have to be willing to let it go" is, I think, very accurate.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:55 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]